Inuyasha Sells Out!
by King Baka
Summary: A series of one-shots based on the following question: what shenanigans would result if the Inuyasha characters sold out and started appearing in television commercials? *1st Place Best Comedy at IYFG* *1st Place Best Humorous Fiction at FA*
1. Chapter 1

This story won 1st Place Best Comedy in the 1st Quarter 2010 at IYFG. It also won 1st Place Best Humorous Fiction in the June 2010 Quarter at The Feudal Association. Thank you to all involved for the honors!

Greetings!

Ever think about what would result if the Inuyasha characters sold out and started appearing in commercials? Well, wonder no more! I present my "Inuyasha Sells Out" collection, a series of one-shots that will take you behind the making of television advertisements featuring characters from Inuyasha. Obviously, this is CRACK, and all chapters are stand-alone and humorous in nature. If the chapter is based on an actual commercial, I will post a link to it. I expect to continually update this collection as new ideas strike me, so if you like what you see, you might want to favorite it. Enjoy!

Also, please note that the director is _not_ the same person in each commercial. The separate chapters bear absolutely no relation to each other.

**Blanket Disclaimer**

I don't own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known characters, plot, etc. I'm just renting them from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc. I also claim no rights to any of the commercials I will be parodying. I do own the plot of this story and any original characters I've created. I will make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of my readers.

KB


	2. Chapter 2

Inuyasha for Maruchan

"Inuyasha ramen commercial, take one."

"And…action!"

"Hello, I'm Inuyasha," the hanyou begins, dressed in his typical fire-rat robes and standing regally with Tetsusaiga leaning against his left shoulder in its large, majestic form. In front of him is a waist-high table with a cup of steaming hot ramen in the center, a package displaying the brand resting next to it. "You might recognize me from my hit anime show. Fighting demons and rescuing humans for almost two hundred episodes is hard work, and I can't make it through the day without a good, wholesome serving of Maruchan Ramen."

He reaches down with his right hand, grasping one spoonful of the brothy mixture and bringing it to his lips. His expression turns to one of blissful ecstasy as he savors and swallows the contents. "Mmmm…that's fucking delicious."

"Cut!"

"Huh? Why?"

"Inuyasha," the director says with a hint of exasperation, "you can't say 'fucking' in a commercial."

"Oh…"

"Alright, let's try again."

"Inuyasha ramen commercial, take two."

"Action!"

"Hello, I'm Inuyasha," the hanyou begins again, getting all the way up to the point where he eats the ramen without a hitch. "Mmmm…that's good shit."

"Cut!"

"Dammit, what now?"

"You can't say 'shit' in a commercial either!"

"Oh, well what about 'that's _damn_ good."

"No!"

"Or 'that's as good as hell.'"

"No, you moron. You can't swear at all!"

"You gotta be shitting me! I swear all the time in my show. It's who I am!"

"Who you are is gonna be neutered if you don't get this right!"

"Listen, you…"

"Hey, do you want that free year's supply of ramen or not?"

Grrrr.

"Good, then let's try again."

"Inuyasha ramen commercial, take three."

"Action!"

The hanyou starts again and makes it to the trouble spot, this time leaving out any cursing. He then moves on to the final part of the commercial, which involves him walking a short distance to where an immaculate blue sports car is parked, the cameras following his every move.

"So eat Maruchan ramen every day, and who knows? One day you might be able to do this!" he declares, shoving Tetsusaiga into the ground and wrapping both arms around the front of the car. With the help of a few crew members pushing up the back end off camera, he picks it up until the trunk is pointed straight up in the air. He turns to smile for the camera and the car sways slightly, quickly becoming unbalanced as Inuyasha overcorrects. The rear end swings dangerously back and forth, and crew members begin to scatter, screaming in panic. Finally Inuyasha loses the battle with the heavy object.

*CRASH!*

The director surveys the damage. The car has crashed top-down, totaling it. Around and under the wreckage lie the mangled remains of his brand new camera system, worth more than the car itself. His blood boils, and he turns his irate glare to the hanyou currently standing sheepishly amidst the carnage.

"Um…" Inuyasha says, trying to lighten the mood, "buy Maruchan ramen or I'll fucking drop a car on you."

"DAH! I'm going to chop off your balls and boil them in ramen! Come back here!"

Inuyasha runs off, the director in hot pursuit.


	3. Chapter 3

Actual Commercial: .com/watch?v=owGykVbfgUE&feature=related

Miroku for Old Spice

"Hello, ladies," the dashing monk drolled, topless with a towel wrapped around his waist, standing in front of a picturesque hot spring. The steam rising off the water in the background made him look even more enchanting than his beautifully muscled torso and charming smile.

"Look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me…and now that he is utterly mediocre in your eyes, why don't you ditch him and bear my child?"

"Cut! Miroku, this is not a dating service."

"Yes, yes, it won't happen again," he replied, smiling innocently at the young _female_ director. He knew there weren't very many of those in the business, but Old Spice had given him one, and he planned to have some fun with her.

"See that it doesn't. Alright, from the top!"

"Hello, ladies," the monk began again, this time leaving out the proposition. "…now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me. If he was, you'd be on your back right now screaming in ecstasy."

"C-cut!" the director ordered, flushing lightly. Some of the crew members could be heard giggling, which only seemed to deepen the director's discomfiture. Miroku stretched languidly, allowing his muscles to flex as he raised his arms over his head.

"I don't know what came over me," he said in mock astonishment. "I'll be more careful."

The director nodded, squirming a little in her chair. And Miroku began the commercial again…

"Sadly, he isn't me. But if he stopped using lady-scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he's me. And then you could pretend it's me making sweet love to you tonight. Scream my name, baby." Miroku paused, waiting for a 'Cut!' that never came. He smirked at the director, who was staring at his abs with a far-off look in her eyes.

"Is something the matter?" he asked her, faking genuine concern. Her eyes snapped up to his and she blushed crimson, stuttering inarticulately for several seconds.

"Uh, let's take a fifteen minute break, everyone!" With that, she fled the set, heading for the women's room. Some of the guys approached him and gave him high fives, still laughing; no one had any doubt as to what the director was doing. Fortunately for her, Miroku mused, the bathroom was a single room with a door lock. He also noticed that one of the male crew members had disappeared, which he wasn't so enthused about. Shrugging his shoulders, he figured it was like fishing for bass and catching a trout. Not exactly what he was going for, but not a bad thing.

When the director returned, she was much more composed and made it clear that she was ready to get down to business. Figuring they could use a fresh start, she decided to film the second scene and return to the first one later. Miroku was sitting on a horse and talking to the camera, which slowly pulled back to reveal his white mount.

"Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I'm hung like a horse."

"Cut!"

"Oh? I thought we really had it that time."

"It's 'I'm _on_ a horse,' Miroku. "ON a horse!"

"Really? I must have misread the script…"

"Save it. Just do it again!"

So he did. "…and not a lady. I'm on a horse." The director was just about to stop the filming in exultation when Miroku spoke again. "Who's cock is hopelessly inferior to mine."

"Dammit, Miroku!"

"Yes?"

"We need you to shut up long enough to let the whistling play!"

"Oh, silly me. I forgot."

"Ugh…if I survive the day it will be a miracle."

* * *

"Fifty-seven takes," the director groaned, leaning her head against the table. "We did fifty-seven takes, and he said something perverted on every single one."

"So what do you want to do?" her assistant asked.

"Send Old Spice the one where he says he's hung like a horse. I don't care anymore."


	4. Chapter 4

Actual Commercial: .com/watch?v=CErapf79rqM

Inuyasha and Kagome for Beggin' Strips

*thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust*

"Inuyasha!"

*pant pant pant pant pant pant pant pant pant*

"Inuyasha, stop that!"

*thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust thrust*

"Inuyasha, what the hell are you doing?"

"I do believe he's humping your leg, Kagome," the director observed, barely managing to keep a straight face, something none of the crew members had been able to do. She sent him a withering glare, the effect dampened by her crimson complexion. Every inch of skin above the neckline of her school uniform was flushed deep red. Even her eyes seemed to be glowing scarlet, but that wasn't in embarrassment.

"I can see that, jackass!" she swore. "What I meant was _why_ is he acting like this? When I signed up to be in this commercial, I thought I'd be feeding Inuyasha the bacon, not getting HUMPED!"

"It's actually not bacon, Kagome. It's Beggin' Strips brand dog snack from Purina. Dogs don't know it's not bac-c-ahahahahahaha!" the director cackled, finally losing the battle with his mirth as he began rolling around on the floor. Kagome was literally the only one left standing on the entire set. And she was none too pleased about it; you probably could have cooked _real_ bacon on her forehead.

"Oh, how could I forget," she yelled sarcastically. "Especially when the slogan is 'it's BACON!'"

"Bacon? Where? Where? Where's the bacon?" Inuyasha abruptly ceased his lusty behavior, his mind having suddenly switch gears entirely at the mention of one of his favorite modern snacks. He began crawling around the set, rummaging through every droor and cupboard in the makeshift kitchen. "Bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon…"

"What did you do to him?" Kagome demanded, pointing a shaking finger at the director, who was just now picking himself off the ground.

"Well, we needed him to be a little hyper for the commercial, so I gave him…an upper."

"An upper? Like what, _cocaine?_"

"No…not cocaine. Definitely not cocaine."

Kagome could think of a hundred different insults she would like to throw at this bastard of a director, but it wouldn't do any good. Besides, she had something else on her mind right now, a crazy idea that seemed more and more appealing with each passing moment. _Eh, might as well make the best of a bad situation…_

"Inuyasha," she called sweetly, her gentle voice drawing his attention. He pulled his head out from under the sink and looked up at her, exactly like a disappointed puppy might. She couldn't help but pat his head, overcome by his sheer adorableness.

"Bacon?" he said hopefully.

"I don't have any, Inuyasha," she replied, to which his ears drooped. "But I might have some in my dressing room." His ears immediately perked up, and he hopped along at her heels as she strode from the set.

"And I have something else you can hump," she mumbled under her breath.


	5. Chapter 5

Kagura for Baka & Baka, LLC

Another fabulous episode of Inuyasha comes to a close, and immediately after the preview for the next episode the station launches into a commercial break. A familiar face appears in the first advertisement.

The scene is an impressive office, all the furnishings exquisitely polished. In the background sits a tall book shelf, lined with endless volumes of text appearing in mint condition. An attractive young woman stands smiling in the foreground, her clothing and jewelry revealing her wealth and fine taste.

"Hello, my name is Kagura," she says, her tone bright and engaging. "And I used to be a minion. My master was an evil overlord intent on world domination, and he mistreated me. He once kept me chained in a dungeon for three days for a tiny disobedience. I thought there was no escape, until I heard about the Law Offices of Baka & Baka. The skilled and passionate attorneys fought for my rights, and got me three million dollars in damages! Now my former master works at a pig farm, where I think he fits in wonderfully."

Now a man steps into the frame, and the camera pans over until only he is on the screen. His handsome radiance captivates all who lay eyes on him, and his marvelously charming smile practically causes orgasms whenever he flashes it. Millions of women hastily grab paper and pen, pushing their boyfriends and husbands out of the way, just so they may write down how to contact this god among men.

"I am attorney K. Baka," the Adonis says. "If you are a minion, and you think your master is mistreating you and not giving you the respect you deserve, please contact my firm. We will fight for your rights and do our very best to emancipate you from your master and get you millions in damages, just like Kagura. And we don't collect anything from you until you are free. I hope to meet you personally very soon."

The man fades into the background and contact information appears on the screen. "The Law Offices of Baka & Baka," a deep, announcer-type voice states, "you can't fight your master, but they can."

The screen fades out, and the station moves on to the next commercial.

A/N – for those of you who don't know, I'm in law school right now, which kind of makes the joke. Warning: lawyers in this story are not as attractive in real life. XDDD


	6. Chapter 6

Actual Commercial: .com/watch?v=xffOCZYX6F8

(The Mean Joe Green Ad, an American classic!)

Sesshoumaru for Coca-Cola

A proud Inu-youkai hobbles off the battlefield, bruised and bloodied, but victorious. A small girl trails in his wake, holding a bottle of Coca-Cola.

"Sesshoumaru-sama? Hey, Sesshoumaru-sama?"

"Yes?" he finally replies, turning to face her. His face is tired and ragged, but his eyes still blaze with the passion of the fight.

"You…need any help?"

"This Sesshoumaru does not require the aid of weak humans."

"Cut!" The director advances onto the set, and the taiyoukai turns to regard him stonily.

"Something wrong?"

"That isn't the line, Sesshoumaru. Most of our consumers are humans, and I don't think you talking down to them would go over very well. From the top, people!"

The commercial began again. "You…need any help?"

"No," Sesshoumaru replied this time, turning and beginning to move away.

"I just want you to know," the girl said quietly, "I think…I think…well, I think you're my big puppy and I wuv you, Sesshoumaru-sama."

"Cut! Rin, sweetie, you can't make up your own lines. You have to say what's in the script."

"Aw, but your lines are boring. Mine are better."

"Please, Rin," Sesshoumaru interjected, looking slightly embarrassed. "Just say their lines so we can go home."

"Ok, Sesshoumaru-sama," the girl responded, blinking big doe eyes up at him. The taiyoukai hastily looked away.

They tried again. "I think…I think…you're the…best ever!"

"I know I am."

"Cut! Dammit, Sesshoumaru. Could you please try to show some humility for once? I mean, you…you…" the director trailed off, thoroughly intimidated by the furious glare Sesshoumaru sent his way. The taiyoukai wouldn't kill him in front of Rin, but when the girl wasn't around… "A-alright then, let's try it again!"

They did so. "…you're the…best ever!"

"Yeah…sure."

"Want my coke? It's ok, you can have it."

"No."

"Really, you can have it."

"Ok," the taiyoukai says, finally relenting. He reaches for the coke, and after a 'thanks,' proceeds to chug the whole thing while the girl watches in amazement. Then she turn and begins to walk dejectedly away.

"See you around."

Sesshoumaru finishes the coke and opens his mouth to speak.

*BEEEEELLLCCHH!*

"Holy crap! That was the biggest one I ever heard!" the director exclaims as the crew erupts in laughter.

Sesshoumaru glares at him again. "If you tell me I have to drink another of those, I'm going to lop your head off."

The director gulps. "Uh, Jerry? Can we phase in the rest of the scene?"

"Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem," his assistant responds, causing the director to sigh in relief.

"Alright, Sesshoumaru, just put the bottle to your lips and pretend you just finished it. And…action!"

"Hey, kid," the taiyoukai calls to the departing Rin, who turns to gaze at him. "Catch." With that, he tosses Rin his Mokomoko-sama, which she catches in both hands.

"Wow!" she exclaims, and is about to move on to her final line when she notices something. "Oh, it's so soft and cuddly! I wanna wrap it around me and never let go!" She proceeds to do just that, settling down on the ground, entirely encased in her new blanket/mattress. Within moments she is sound asleep.

By this point the director has his head in his hands and is on the verge of tears. "Jerry, wake her up."

"Do not wake her up," Sesshoumaru orders, death in his tone. He gently picks Rin up and carries her to his dressing room. He returns without the Mokomoko-sama.

"Well, this is just _great_," the director whines. "Not only do we not have another child handy, but you'll have to toss something else! Your armour, maybe? Oooh! What about that toad-thing who follows you around?"

Sesshoumaru nods. "Jaken!"

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama?" the little youkai asks, panting slightly from his sprint to his lord's call.

"Uh, sir?" Jerry says to the director. "The script calls for an adorable child…"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought _I_ was the director! You got any better ideas, genius?"

Jerry sighed. "Makeup isn't going to like it…"

* * *

"Oh, Kami, what did they do to him? He looks like a cheap frog prostitute!"

"Hey!"

"Well, whatever. I guess we'll have to go with it. Action!"

The scene began again. "Hey, kid. Catch."

*CLANG!*

"Ugh," the director moans, "you're supposed to catch the armour with your hands, Jaken, not your head. Jaken? Oh, bloody hell, he's out cold. Someone drag him back to Sesshoumaru's room." He glances at Sesshoumaru, but the taiyoukai doesn't seem to particularly care. He supposed there was nothing else he could do except engage in some serious ass kissing.

"Sesshoumaru, please, we need Rin. Coke is going to have my ass if we don't get this done in one day. You might not get paid either," he added, since he didn't have much faith in Sesshoumaru's sympathy bone. The taiyoukai narrowed his eyes dangerously, but went to wake his charge. Rin returned clutching Sesshoumaru's hand with one of hers and rubbing her eyes with the other. It was the most adorable thing any of them had ever seen. _If we can get that little girl to say her lines on camera, this ad should be golden! _

"Alright, let's start from Sesshoumaru finishing his coke. Action!"

Rin caught the Mokomoko-sama no problem, and this time she was able to resist ad-libbing. "Wow…thanks Sesshoumaru-sama."

All eyes turned to Sesshoumaru for the final scene, where he would flash a heart-stopping smile and give everyone in American a case of the warm and fuzzies. At least, that was the plan. What the taiyoukai actually did was…nothing.

"Cut! Sesshoumaru, you have to smile! The slogan on the screen will be 'Have a Coke and a smile,' and that doesn't work if you're not smiling! We just have that last part left, so when you do it you can go home."

Sesshoumaru nodded, and _tried_ to smile. His lips turned up ever so slightly, and just a hint of teeth shown through. It was the most evil-looking expression any of the humans had ever seen.

"I feel like I wanna crap my pants," the cameraman said.

"A shiver ran down my spine," the director agreed.

"I've never been so creeped out in my life," added Jerry. There was a moment of silence as the humans considered their options.

"Ah, fuck it!" the director declared. "We'll just photoshop a smile on him. You can go, Sesshoumaru. Thanks for, um…trying."

* * *

"Ribbit."

"Ribbit."

"Sesshoumaru-sama? What's wrong with Jaken-sama?"

"He hasn't recovered from the blow to the head. He thinks he's a frog."

"Ribbit."

"Oh…I think I like him better this way!"

"Agreed."

*briiiiiiiing*

Sesshoumaru answered the phone, listening to the voice of a Coke official on the other end.

"After further deliberation, we have decided not to air the advertisement you did for us yesterday. About the matter of your payment, we are unable—"

"It will be transferred to my bank account by this evening," Sesshoumaru interrupted. There was a long pause on the other end, as the official obviously came to terms with the silent 'or else' at the end of the taiyoukai's statement.

"Uh…yes, it will."

*click*


	7. Chapter 7

Actual Commercial: .com/watch?v=E93sBTnC_Fs&feature=related

A/N – this commercial comes to you courtesy of SplendentGoddess, who helpfully supplied the original idea

Inuyasha and Shippo for 7 Up

Inuyasha is standing in a sunlit, grassy field, holding a can of 7 Up. Beside him sits a fluffy-looking dog with yellow-orange fur, reaching up to about knee height. Inuyasha appears uncommonly cheerful, as if something is amusing him greatly and he can barely hold in his excitement.

"They say if you want to sell your product," he says brightly, gently waving the can, "get a cute little dog for your commercial." Bending down, he waves the can in front of the dog's nose and speaks to it as one might speak to an infant. "Here, buster…go fetch the 7 Up!" He tosses the can across the field but the dog doesn't move a muscle, and the can lands harmlessly in the grass.

"Cut!" the director calls. "Come on, Shippo, you have to chase after the can." There is an audible 'poof' by Inuyasha's feet, and once the smoke clears it is revealed that the little dog was in fact Shippo, his true form concealed by his fox magic. He is pouting, a stern look on his face, arms crossed in irritation.

"This is incredibly degrading," he complains.

"No one will know it's you, Shippo."

"I'll know! Why couldn't you just find a trained dog for this commercial?"

"Do you have any idea what one of those costs? Now do you want that wheelbarrow full of pocky or not?"

Shippo licked his lips, practically salivating at the treasure trove awaiting him. Finally, he decided his humiliation as worth it and transformed back into the cute little dog.

"Great," the director declared. "From the top, people!"

This time, when Shippo was ordered to fetch, he did so with gusto, running across the field and skillfully catching the can between his jaws.

"Cut!"

"Wa ghnow?" Shippo mumbled, the can still in his mouth.

"You have to let the can hit you in the head so it can knock you out."

Shippo's eyes widened in alarm as he spit out the can. "What? There's no way I'm letting him hit me with a can!" he yelled, pointing at Inuyasha. The hanyou wore a positively wicked grin, repeatedly tossing and catching a fresh can with his right hand. His appearance resembled that of a baseball pitcher preparing to bean a hitter, and absolutely loving it.

"Alright then," the director sighed regretfully, "I'll have to give that pocky to someone else…"

"No, it's mine!" Shippo exclaimed. "W-w-why can't you just have that part of the scene be off camera? I'll make a really convincing yelp."

"Because Inuyasha bribed m—I mean…because the script says we're filming you getting nailed on the head with a can, and that's final!"

Shippo grumbled under his breath, smelling a rather putrid rat. But if he wanted that pocky, he had to play along. To a certain extent, that is.

"Alright, I'll do it," he declared. "On one condition."

"Oh, what's that?"

"That Inuyasha lets me bean him in the head with a can afterwards."

"Not a chance, runt," the hanyou said.

"Aw, what's the matter, Inuyasha? Scared of a little fox kit? We all know how hard your head is, so it's not like it's gonna hurt ya."

"Why you little…"

"Alright, alright," the director interrupted. "It's settled. Inuyasha will let you hit him when we're done."

"What? Who says I will?"

"I do. Because if you don't, I'll recast the commercial and _you_ can play the cute little dog!"

Now it was the hanyou's turn to grumble, but he said no more. They started filming again, and this time Inuyasha chucked it much harder and with a lower trajectory. To his credit, Shippo stood tall like a man, taking the can squarely off his cranium with a muffled crack. He lay on his back in a daze as Inuyasha finished the scene. The director was satisfied, and the crew began packing up the equipment. When Shippo's world finally stopped spinning, he spied Inuyasha standing a few feet away, smirking down at him. The hanyou practically oozed confidence, and Shippo vowed then and there to wipe that arrogant expression of his face. He held out his hand, and Inuyasha tossed him a fresh can.

After several moments of mental preparation, Shippo was ready. He leapt high into the air, well over Inuyasha's head, and pulled a very special leaf from his clothing. Smashing the leaf into the side of the can, he flung the metal cylinder down straight at the hanyou's forehead. The instant the can left his hand, the leaf's magic took effect, and it grew to hundreds of times its original size. Inuyasha suddenly found himself in the shade, his eyes nearly bulging out of his skull as the giant object plummeted toward him.

*SPLAT!*

Shippo landed in the grass, grinning in victory. Inuyasha's legs and arms could be seen sticking out around the sides of the can, flailing wildly. But Shippo's exultation was short lived; he immediately began hurrying away as fast as his legs could carry him. By chance, he passed the director in his flight.

"Where are you going, Shippo? Don't you want your pocky?"

"I'll come back for the pocky. When that spell wears off, I need to be _far_ away from here!"


End file.
